This one has been rolling around in my head for a long time, it's always there. As I continue to evolve, my interpretation of the feelings changes somewhat, but the base of what it means is always constant.
I'm 30 years old, and have been single my entire life. I've written about this before, posted in my previous blogs carried over from all my original "notes" from Facebook. That was written years ago, when I was younger and had different ideas about love. But the absence of love still hurts. I've written about a heart being broken from never being touched. That pain is very real. So I turned the pain into motivation, a proverbial fire under my ass to make changes that were necessary in my life and personality.
Here I am, five years later. I've grown, I've created a stable foundation of career and a solid conviction of character. My goals in love, and in life, have evolved and "grown up" if you will. I am happy with myself, and by myself, when I never was before. I've found confidence in myself. Confidence when approaching other guys, and confidence in the decisions I make personally.
I used to hide the pain by playing the ALL too common hook up game that is so easy and popular amongst the gay community. Meeting guys for fun, having those few moments of intimacy based on looks, and making up the rest. It was just enough to get by, to make me feel normal in some distorted way. Now my views have changed. Of myself, of others, and who I really am. What I really deserve. What I can truly offer. I'm no longer actively looking for somebody to be with, because I truly understand now that it will happen when the time is right. I'm ok with that. But does it change the pain? Never.
There are times when I smile through heartache caused by absence. There are times when I see an amazing couple, and even though its hidden, I can't help but focus on why I can't have that. I deserve happiness with somebody. I want to share the amazing person I've become with somebody else, and feel what it's like to have somebody share themselves with me unconditionally. Everybody has this fairytale idea of what falling in love is like. I now see it for what it really is. Falling in love is sharing yourself with somebody, and loving them for not only their great qualities but their flaws as well.
The thought has crossed my mind that some people aren't destined for love, that they have other purposes in life that don't have room for falling in love. I've seen it before, and I'll see it again. I'm simply trying to hide from the thoughts that I may be one of those people. Am I one of those people? I hope to god that isn't the case, because I couldn't bear going throughout my entire life with this pain. Without experiencing the true happiness I've seen in others. I know the longing for happiness found in love will never leave. It's been with me this long and will continue to follow me throughout life, until I finally find happiness. Until I can finally fall in love.
But what if that never happens?
