Wishing For Wonders VS Working For Greatness...

I've wished for a lot of things in my life.  I, along with countless others, find myself often wishing to be independently wealthy so I can live my life completely free.  More often I find myself wishing the EMS/Paramedic system were something I could continue to grow in, excel in, to the point of flight medic in a medical helicopter.  I wish that being born with epilepsy wouldn't have put all my work in the EMS world to a screeching hault.  What's more, I used to wish that wishes could eventually come true.

It's been rough times for many people I know lately.  I've seen too many scarred hearts full of nothing but wishing.  For all the wishing, there's a whole lot of nothing happening.  I know what you're probably thinking.  This is going to be a "Poor me, this is how much I hate my life because of Epilepsy" or some similar point.  That's not the case.

Thankfully, adversity throughout my life has taught me one thing.  Wishing for something does nothing.  It is now more than ever I realize that while many of us are wasting our time wishing, there are so many more people who are busy busting their asses to create the change they want and need in their lives.  Wishing is energy wasted.  Working is energy transformed into change.  It's easier for us to sit and wish about things, because that requires no effort.

I have a challenge in my life.  Of course it breaks my heart that I'll never be a flight medic, and probably never be on an ambulance again due to issues resurfacing from being born an Epileptic.  Instead of using that heartache to feed into a pool of self pity, I'm using the energy to fuel the fire within.  All I needed was a little regrouping.  My passion remains in the world of public safety and emergency medicine.  I can still be a very integral part of that world.

I'm 31 years old, and even though it scares me to death, I'm starting over.  I'm going to college for the first time since high school.  I'm going to get my degree as a registered nurse, and I'm going straight to work in an emergency room as soon as I graduate!  All of my EMT, EMS Instructor, and CPR courses were all private classes focused on that certification alone.  No college credit is accrued.  I'm truly stepping into the unknown.  At first I was scared, especially being at this age and going at it all by myself.  As I complete each step necessary to get closer to that first day of classes, my fear is turning into ambition.  What was once fear is now a burning desire to tackle this, give it my all, and become a fucking amazing nurse. 

I can't wait to be saving lives again.  It's where I belong.  I know this won't happen overnight.  I've got two and a half years ahead of me before I'm ready for a Trauma One level emergency room.  Instead of being a rush to get through it, I'm going to make this time in school the experience of a lifetime and embrace it.  After all, these two and a half years are shaping the rest of my life.  No more wishing for things.  It's time say "fuck you" to adversity and WORK to make good things happen out of what was a disheartening situation.  I can't wait for the rest of my life, and the lives of others I'll impact along the way.

Auditory Earmark: Introductions To Expression

"Music is one of my biggest passions" is a statement that can be said, and holds very true, for just about any person I could ever encounter.  Music is a method of comprehending, exploring, communicating, and expressing that which is the human condition in a way that is far beyond the abilities of any language, whether spoken or written.  One of my favorite quotes of all time, which explains this concept perfectly, states that "talking about music is like dancing about architecture."  I couldn't agree more.

People express their passion for music in countless many ways.  Each one is the best form of expression for that individual.  Some will become artists and creators to add their own impression to the music culture, some choose to promote the music they love in the form of concerts and events so they help others enjoy the music they love with them, while more still become dancers to physically express how music affects them with beautiful movement.

My form of music expression is sharing it.  In the past it was in the form of CDs, where many of my friends would love to receive a compilation CD, always excited when I had another one for them.  I'm a person of an extremely emotional nature, and at times it used to be so intense I couldn't really process it all.  Whether the emotion was happy, sad, scared, mad, hurt, and or any of the countless combinations the heart can create, I didn't understand how to handle the intensity of emotion my heart was capable of generating.  I finally learned over the years to channel my emotions through music, a way to "let it burn", to process it by letting it be what it needs to be and riding it out to its full process.  Just like the many types of emotion, I've created many types of play lists.  Whether it be fun and upbeat, vocal and fun to sing along, hard and angry, or tugging at the very strings of your heart, I've got a play list for that.

What used to be CDs is now so much easier to share.  As technology continues to make the world smaller and easier to access, I can now share it to almost anybody with the touch of a button.  As a result, I've created a periodical "chapter" within my blog called Auditory Earmark.  Within the next few weeks, I'll have completed turning Auditory Earmark into it's own separate blog, a place where I can easily enjoy my love for sharing music, but now invite others to post their play lists and compilations as well.

I find it appropriate to start things off with the two play lists that mean the most to me.  First in the journey is a play list I started a little over three years, and I've turned to time and time again for some amazing soul searching.  It's evolved over the years, and been fine tuned repeatedly.  This version posted has been the final version for several months now.  Over the past several years, I've found an absolute love for the acoustic/folk/singer&songwriter sets of music.  Some of the most powerful music, and moments, I've ever experienced.  I love a powerful set of lyrics just as much as an intense peak in the music itself.  I can find the perfect song within these genres to match almost any type and intensity of emotion.  This compilation was created to sing to our more personal, private, and often painful emotions.  Exploring the process of falling down, nursing a wound, and picking yourself back up to patch the wounds, right the wrongs, and fix mistakes. This one is titled "The Spark That Bled..."




My second choice to share is a play list I have recently been listening to several times a day.  This compilation was created, fine tuned, and finalized within 24 hours.  For the time being, this one is my "masterpiece" in my mind.  That is always subject to change, however, as I'm always discovering and experiencing music and creating more play lists.  This was created as a sequel to "The Spark That Bled...", speaking to the lighter side of our emotions.  This one explores the joys of experiencing an absolutely wonderful day, finding strength within yourself to do just about anything, standing up for yourself in adversity, or simply enjoying the perfect moment in time.  This sequel is aptly titled "The Silver Lining."




Here is the link to my Grooveshark profile so you can get the full featured player instead of the little embedded playlist in each post:  http://grooveshark.com/jesse.briggs

Once I've completed the creation of the separate "Auditory Earmark" blog, I want it to be an open forum.  This will be a way for my fellow music lovers, and even those of you that create your own music, to share and express the music you love the most.  If interested in posting play lists or single songs, or even writing music reviews, please contact me.  My e-mail is Jesse.Briggs.EMT@gmail.com.

Much love,

Jesse

Too much like my Father...

When most people think of their Father, regardless of whether their parents are still together or not, they think of a man they love and couldn't imagine a life without them.  Mine was the exact opposite.  In my perception, the man was a sperm donor as well as an example of EVERYTHING a person should never be.  I gained this perception at a very young age.  It was really simple, as he didn't hide his selfish habits or shortcomings from just about anybody.  It was easy to know that he was shady, on drugs, and dishonorable.  I've been commended for having an intelligence that developed at a very young age at a very rapid rate.  Unfortunately, a setback of that is having memories from an extremely young age.  I have a memory when I was two, and dad had me for the day.  He took me to his friend's house.  His friend's girlfriend attempted (unsuccessfully) to distract me while they layed out, cut, and snorted multiple lines of cocaine in front of me.

Fast forward 29 years.  My Father is dead.  He died of lung cancer at the age of fifty-fucking-four due to lung cancer from habitual drug use throughout his entire adult life.  The news reached me while living temporarily in Colorado with my best friend, Markus.  Sure, I cried.  It wasn't because I had lost a loved one.  I didn't love my Father anymore.  That love died when I became old enough to realize what a fucking joke his life was.  I had LONG moved on.  I did, however, feel a sense of loss.  I cried for a sense of loss of the chance to grow into the man he could never be, and show him the example of what he should have always been for me.  I cried out of anger, because I never told him how I truly felt about him.  I cried my tears, processed the death, and moved on in my own time.  In his case, this took a total of about three hours, maybe a bit less.  That was it, I'd moved on.

Here's the problem.  The older I get, the more things within my life and my personality I can find that are similar to him.  I have a hard time knowing how to be social without having drinks with friends.  I had an EXTENDED phase where I was quite the fan of partying and drugs, just like him.  It started when I was 18 with ecstasy, and changed as I "grew up" until I had myself a complete appreciation for fine cocaine.  Luckily, I was born with a genetic defect which caused me to have epilepsy.  Cocaine and epilepsy are highly incompatible, so I never developed any severe addictions, and was able to maintain a "simply social" habit.  I was really good at convincing myself of that anyway.

What scares me the most isn't my former drug issues, even though drug issues are ultimately what caused the death of my Father.  It's the fact that I'm 31 years old, and just found out that my professional path has been essentially reset due to issues involving my epilepsy.  I have been uninsured for a period of time, which caused me to lapse on my seizure medications for some time.  As a result I had a string of several SEVERE seizures in a short period of time.  These incidences were report to the EMS board and as a result my ability to work in the field (on any ambulance) has been stripped indefinitely.  I am now confined to hospital ER's, med/surg floors, and clinics.  Square one professionally, eh?

It also haunts me that since October of 2011, I've required constant assistance from family and friends to eat, play, or even LIVE.  I am fortunate enough to have a very large and amazing circle of friends that I love very much, and who love me very much in return.  They are true friends, who have extended every courtesy to help me through "tough times" but I still find myself back at square one.  I've got to wonder how much of my hardship is circumstantial, as I've convinced myself, and how much is influential, as I've caused myself based on my own life decisions.

The bottom line is this.  I LOVE who I am as a person, but I could stand for SO much improvement.  Moreover, while I may love who I am, I don't love where I'm at in life.  I'm afraid of where I'm going because I don't like where I've been.  I can never thank those who love and have helped me enough, but it's time to help myself.  What scares me is that it's become second nature to be thankful and show gratitude for help from others.  What I need to be doing is strengthening my own game, so I don't need that help from others.  I need to be unlike my Father, I need to be my own man, I need to be self-sufficient.  I don't know how I'm going to get there, but I'm going to do it by and for myself.  I will not let myself become my Father, ever...

What is a protector, lifesaver, a HERO worth?

WHAT IS A FIREFIGHTER WORTH??

There has been so much talk recently about things like containing costs, lowering taxes, and those who work in public safety being overpaid - particularly firefighters - that it could make your head spin. We’ve all done the “simple math,” crunched the numbers, and it all seems to boil down to a simple question. What are firefighters worth? 

I guess that depends. We live in a country that seems to have forgotten what our priorities are. A man can be a skilled athlete who happens to throw and catch a football well, and make millions and millions of dollars to do so. And we as a society are not only OK with that, but we gather in front of our televisions and cheer that man on. Meanwhile, a firefighter kisses his children goodbye before every shift knowing the harsh reality that it very well could be the last time he will see them, and he is fighting tooth and nail for decent health coverage and substantial pay to support those children.

He is the man that you call when your elderly father has a stroke. He is the person that will extract your 16-year-old son from a mangled vehicle on the highway in the middle of the night. He is the person that will be there in a heartbeat when your newborn infant stops breathing. He is the person who is exposed to countless dangerous scenarios and has seen horrific things during his career that would psychologically haunt most of us for the rest of our lives. We trust him to save our homes and belongings in the event of a disastrous fire, and we trust him to keep us breathing and our hearts beating when we face our most critical moments. What is he worth to you?

He sometimes will go days without sleep, and make life altering decisions on every call he shows up to. He has missed family meals, bedtime stories, Christmas mornings, school plays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving dinners, and his own children’s birthdays. We all know that life is so very short, and firefighters sacrifice precious time with the most important people in their lives to save the lives of the most important people in yours. And now they have to defend and protect their pensions, well deserved health benefits, and their paychecks. It has been proposed by some that they lose many of their benefits, and work extra shifts that they will not be compensated for. There seems to be a serious misconception that firefighters are in it for the monetary gain, and more and more often have been portrayed in a negative light for actually expecting to be compensated for the sacrifices that they make to do their job. For an individual that has chosen this selfless career, it begs the question: Is it worth it?

Most of us are willing to pay a little extra for something if it is important to us,¬whether it be the shoes we wear, the doctor we choose to treat us, or even the cup of coffee we drink. It is something that we value, therefore it is worth the cost. Most would agree that our safety and protection is of unmeasurable value. Those of us that are skilled in math may look at the numbers and think that stripping those who serve our public of their way to earn a decent living is an answer to a financial equation. But firefighters and their families are not numbers on a piece of paper. They are human beings that are doing their jobs every day to the best of their ability, and possibly sacrificing their own lives for the life of a stranger. Not many of us in our right mind would do that for free, and no one should have to.

So before making our minds up that firefighters are the financial problem, sit down with a local firefighter and ask him about his job. Ask him about his wife and his sons or daughters, what kind of house he lives in, and what type of car he drives. And then ask yourself, if you were to take on such a career, what would you expect in return?

** I DID NOT WRITE THIS.  This comes from a friend of a former ambulance partner.  She wishes to remain anonymous.

To Rise From The Ashes... (Part III)

It has been continuously surprising to me what a big move like this can do for the mind and soul.  I've made changes within things in my life that I've wanted to do but never had the drive to do, and now it's happening almost automatically.  I've been keeping a journal of all my meals, showing total calorie intake and total calories burned for each day.  (There's an amazing app for that!)  I've been physically active, working out, and more driven.  I've had this continuous sensation of positivity and energy.  Had you told me a year ago that I would become a calorie counter and label reader by now, I would have laughed in your face.

Along with the changes, were the wonders I'd be taking in.  For a normal city person, these were just everyday things.  For a Salt Lake City city person, a whole new world was in front of me, and I was viewing city life through the eyes of a fresh starting 18-year-old again.  The first weekend I was here, for example, was one HALLELOO of a welcome!  Since I live in the neighborhood known as Boystown, I am right in the epicenter of homosexual life in the city of Chicago.  That weekend was Market Days, a weekend long street festival that entertains somewhere in the area of 30,000 people.  This neighborhood street festival comes very close to rivaling numbers for the population of Pride Day for all of Utah!  What a hell of a welcome!

Another surprise to me was how warmly and quickly I was welcomed.  I already have an amazing circle of friends, and meet more people all the time.  The majority of the community here (in this part of town, anyway) is friendly, and I've met some of the most unique, fun, and friendly people!  I love it.

One more great thing about where I'm at in this transition, is that I've already developed a system of checks and balances within my great new circle of friends.  Being a creature of habit, and one who's been fighting with repeating patterns all my life, I've come close to repeating a negative cycle of behavior but received a simple but loving tisk-tisk that I needed to get back on track again.  Knowing that people already have my back out here just makes me want to work even harder to establish myself as a great success in this community!

So there it is, the story of my journey from Salt Lake City to Chicago.  Its funny, I've known for YEARS that I needed to move from Salt Lake City, but things were never in proper alignment.  I'm glad to finally be where I need to be so I can grow as a person again.  Staying in the same place in life for so many years was horrible, I just never knew it until I had finally escaped it.

Cheers to my amazing friends who've supported my new adventures.  I love and miss you always!  Lets also have a cheers to my new friends, who've already showed genuine interest in me, and welcomed me with open arms.

(A friendly reminder for those of you who are new to my blog.  I'll often post a song within one of my entries that will match my mood, or thoughts within a particular subject.)

Wide Awake - A perfect song to fit this post. Click to hear!

To Rise From The Ashes... (Part II)

Now that I had decided to start a new chapter in my life outside of Utah, it was time to start doing research.  Where to go, jobs, cost of living, connections within people I know, etc.  I was considering San Fransisco, Sacramento, Phoenix, and even Las Vegas.  That's when things started falling into place, one by one.

First, I won free airfare from SouthWest Airlines.  Next, the process FINALLY went through and I'd finally be receiving some back money that was owed to me, a little over $2,000.  This would allow me to not only fund my initial move out of Utah, but repay my debts to my close friends.  Then, a chance conversation with a friend of over 10 years.  He had moved out of Utah about five years ago, and relocated to Chicago.  A city I had never even considered.  I explained everything that was going on, and the first words out of his mouth were to the tone of the fact that I needed out of Utah, and he was happy to help.  He offered to let me stay with him while I got myself settled and a strong foundation of self-sufficiency.

As if the universe was giving me one last chance to launch, the puzzle pieces of how to leave Utah had put themselves together.  Now it was time to act.  I started to wrap up my affairs, and spending quality time with as many of my friends and family as possible before it was time to leave.  Somehow, through all of these final moments, I had nothing but an amazingly strong positive feeling.  No fear, no anxiety, just the incredible sensation that I was doing the right thing and most importantly for the right reason.

Energy had started to come back to me.  I was sleeping better, I was happier, more focused, and driven.  I did have a moment of emotion, the day of my going away party.  It was to be expected with the loved ones who have been supporting me.  For the most part, however, everything was just working out in very incredible ways.

The flight to Chicago was amazing, and arriving here and traveling to my new home continued to feel more and more like the perfect fit.  I made friends the very first night I was here, a trend that remains steady still to this day.  I haven't gone a single day since my arrival without making at least one new friend.  I have already been invited into a circle of friends who spend time together doing fun things.  Movie nights on Tuesdays, various activities on the weekend, and so on.  All of this had happened within my first week.  An amazing hint of foreshadowing that stays true day by day.

I live in an amazing neighborhood, and have been completely surprised by the community surrounding me in such a positive way.  Even more, is that I've been surprised in the changes immediately happening within myself, my mind, my heart, my personality.  Great changes in myself in every way.

The third and final piece of this post will be completed in the days to come, as there's SO much more to tell now that I have finally arrived!

To Rise From The Ashes...

...this is a phrase most of us hear several times throughout our lifetime, but rarely experience the true meaning of the phrase.  I have been fortunate enough, loved enough, WORTH enough to shed my "skin of darkness" as it were.  I in no way have done this by myself.  This was done with a combination of chance, and the absolute love of so many friends coming together to help me in this metamorphosis.  I have spoken before about "evolutionary phases" in a personality as you grow up.  Every time I've experienced this reality, it's been more profound before the last.  This time, however, is FAR different.  I am able to step outside of myself and look at past, present, and future objectively.  I see my mistakes, my flaws, my strengths, my qualities, my room for improvement, and most importantly my self worth.

I haven't written in my blog for many weeks now, as I had fallen into a world of continued guilt, depression, and self-loathing for the situation in life I'd allowed myself to fall into.  I was 30, turning 31.  I was behind on rent, on unemployment, in debt to several friends, having NO luck with job searches, and the list continues.  I was in an awful place, both emotionally, physically, personally, and any other way you could think of.  I was in such a rut, I was literally becoming physically ill.  There were some days that I slept about 18 hours out of that day, give or take.  I was in survival mode, and I didn't know how to escape it - or even care to try.

I can't speak for others, but I know that I am so fortunate to have been able to escape this darkness from the love and support of SO many people.  Through my years in Salt Lake City I have befriended some of the most amazing people to ever walk the Earth.  Without you, I wouldn't be anything today.  I wouldn't be even close to the person I am, despite my recent dark path.  Although I've walked through hell and back, it could have always been so very much worse.  I could have been left homeless.  I could have been left hungry.  I could have been left with nothing to my name and nobody to call my beloved friend.

I haven't been the perfect friend.  I've borrowed money and been late on deadlines.  I've forgotten birthdays.  I've been so deep in survival mode that I would accept the kindness of others in the form of drink, or loans, or anything else knowing I didn't have the means the immediately return that love.  That was never my intention.  I simply became to comfortable within the blanket of love I was surrounded.  I can't ever apologize enough for allowing to become that kind of person.  Although I'm growing constantly and no longer that person, my heart still aches for bridges burned.  For friends lost due to my own blindness.  The friends I've kept, I am forever grateful that you stuck with me.

Intentions are a funny thing.  The entire time I was in this world of leaning FAR too much on my close friends, my intentions were always never to take advantage, but to use their love as the influence I needed to regain my strength and independence.  Honestly, now that I'm looking back, I'm surprised so many of you were as patient and supportive as you were.  To this day I will never know what I did to deserve it, but please know that you are in my thoughts and my heart every day as I am growing within my new life and identity.  My intentions were never of selfishness, but of eventual reciprocation.  Luckily I got MOST of that taken care of before I left Utah.

Enough of the past, lets fast-forward to how I ended up here in Chicago.  My birthday of 2012, turning 31, was a wake up call if I have EVER had one.  I see all of my friends have fun parties thrown in the honor of their birthday all the time.  People planning fun decorations and themes, a great night out to celebrate the love of their friends.  I've not had that, I've always had to plan my own birthday party.  This year, however, when I chose not to create my own party, I was dealt a wicked blow.  My best friend wasn't available, and nobody was concerned about my birthday.  My fault, I know now, due to the rut I had been in for so many months.  I literally had to call and beg people to spend time with me on my birthday, but to no avail.  While I can't blame anybody but myself, this was the biggest wake up call in the world for me.  I took that pain, and I molded it into constructive energy.  I now knew I was done with Salt Lake City, and moreover, Utah.  More importantly, Utah was done with me. 

...Chapter two of this post will be posted tomorrow, in an effort to make this post not entirely TOO long to read.