...this is a phrase most of us hear several times throughout our lifetime, but rarely experience the true meaning of the phrase. I have been fortunate enough, loved enough, WORTH enough to shed my "skin of darkness" as it were. I in no way have done this by myself. This was done with a combination of chance, and the absolute love of so many friends coming together to help me in this metamorphosis. I have spoken before about "evolutionary phases" in a personality as you grow up. Every time I've experienced this reality, it's been more profound before the last. This time, however, is FAR different. I am able to step outside of myself and look at past, present, and future objectively. I see my mistakes, my flaws, my strengths, my qualities, my room for improvement, and most importantly my self worth.
I haven't written in my blog for many weeks now, as I had fallen into a world of continued guilt, depression, and self-loathing for the situation in life I'd allowed myself to fall into. I was 30, turning 31. I was behind on rent, on unemployment, in debt to several friends, having NO luck with job searches, and the list continues. I was in an awful place, both emotionally, physically, personally, and any other way you could think of. I was in such a rut, I was literally becoming physically ill. There were some days that I slept about 18 hours out of that day, give or take. I was in survival mode, and I didn't know how to escape it - or even care to try.
I can't speak for others, but I know that I am so fortunate to have been able to escape this darkness from the love and support of SO many people. Through my years in Salt Lake City I have befriended some of the most amazing people to ever walk the Earth. Without you, I wouldn't be anything today. I wouldn't be even close to the person I am, despite my recent dark path. Although I've walked through hell and back, it could have always been so very much worse. I could have been left homeless. I could have been left hungry. I could have been left with nothing to my name and nobody to call my beloved friend.
I haven't been the perfect friend. I've borrowed money and been late on deadlines. I've forgotten birthdays. I've been so deep in survival mode that I would accept the kindness of others in the form of drink, or loans, or anything else knowing I didn't have the means the immediately return that love. That was never my intention. I simply became to comfortable within the blanket of love I was surrounded. I can't ever apologize enough for allowing to become that kind of person. Although I'm growing constantly and no longer that person, my heart still aches for bridges burned. For friends lost due to my own blindness. The friends I've kept, I am forever grateful that you stuck with me.
Intentions are a funny thing. The entire time I was in this world of leaning FAR too much on my close friends, my intentions were always never to take advantage, but to use their love as the influence I needed to regain my strength and independence. Honestly, now that I'm looking back, I'm surprised so many of you were as patient and supportive as you were. To this day I will never know what I did to deserve it, but please know that you are in my thoughts and my heart every day as I am growing within my new life and identity. My intentions were never of selfishness, but of eventual reciprocation. Luckily I got MOST of that taken care of before I left Utah.
Enough of the past, lets fast-forward to how I ended up here in Chicago. My birthday of 2012, turning 31, was a wake up call if I have EVER had one. I see all of my friends have fun parties thrown in the honor of their birthday all the time. People planning fun decorations and themes, a great night out to celebrate the love of their friends. I've not had that, I've always had to plan my own birthday party. This year, however, when I chose not to create my own party, I was dealt a wicked blow. My best friend wasn't available, and nobody was concerned about my birthday. My fault, I know now, due to the rut I had been in for so many months. I literally had to call and beg people to spend time with me on my birthday, but to no avail. While I can't blame anybody but myself, this was the biggest wake up call in the world for me. I took that pain, and I molded it into constructive energy. I now knew I was done with Salt Lake City, and moreover, Utah. More importantly, Utah was done with me.
...Chapter two of this post will be posted tomorrow, in an effort to make this post not entirely TOO long to read.
<3
ReplyDelete