An interesting thing for me to focus on tonight. Truthfully something in the back of my mind for years now, I've just never really processed the frustration of "the issue".
At 30 years old, I am dependent on six different medications daily to survive. The first starting when I was in ninth grade and finally diagnosed with a life-long disorder passed on genetically. I had epilepsy, and as I grew older, it grew stronger. Ultimately resulting in full blown tonic-clonic seizure disorder, commonly known as grand-mal seizures. Luckily, this disorder is regulated to the point that I am safe to drive and work normal jobs. The downside of that is that I have to religiously take thousands of milligrams of a combination of drugs daily and ON schedule. Any deviance from this regiment causes the torturous seizures to return. I've grown to live with this, in a healthy and functional way.
However, as I've grown, genetics have found more ways to "pepper" up my lifestyle. Along with epilepsy, I am also hypertensive (high blood pressure), and anxiety ridden. I am also reliant recently on anti-depression due to my inherited ability to fall into a clinical state of depression. Along with several other life-long diagnoses, I am reliant on six pills every morning and three pills every night to survive.
When a person begins to measure their self-sufficiency, we can't help but look at this array of pills we are dependent on as a major speed-bump in the success of our daily lives. While I am an accomplished EMT, I am unable to volunteer my services to the Army National Guard, as they will not take somebody with as many medical "deficiencies" as myself. I am happy being a protector of public safety, but when I looked into committing more to my community I must admit that I was disheartened by my significant disqualifying factors.
Does it make you less of a man to know that you are reliant on at least six (for now) medications for the duration of your lifetime? Is it silly to struggle with a small part of your self pride when you analyze this situation within yourself?
Luckily one of the medications, my antidepressant, is predicted to only be needed for one year. It is found that the medication itself, along with proper counseling, will actually reshape the neural behavioral patterns to ultimately correct the problem instead of simply masking it. That makes me happy, and gives me something to work with inside myself.
I know countless people are in the same boat as I am, dependent on pharmaceutical corporate America to keep the safe and healthy. Most of them for worse situations medically than I am in. I know these measures were to created to not only protect life, but also preserve the qualify of life for those living with "controllable" illnesses. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel the fact that I'm on six pills daily, and growing, is a sign that I'm not really the man I wish I could be. I am limited at every corner. Even though I find new paths and ways to work around my deficiencies, I am ambivalent about my gratitude. Part of me is thankful that I can live a normal and productive life. The other part of me is resentful that I am not the man I want to be without these little helpers.
Am I just being ungrateful? Are these feelings justified? I'm afraid I won't ever really know that answer, and I'll be at odds with this situation for as long as I'm taking all the god damned pills...
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