I've referenced in prior posts (The Sun Will Rise) about the cycles in my life. In my darkest times I had no choice but to lean on several friends to keep my head above water to survive. Now that I've overcome those difficulties within my personal life and redirected myself towards a path of self sufficiency, I'm experiencing an overwhelming back flow of what you might call Karma.
I'm torn, once again. I've been fortunate enough to have had a large enough support group of several friends who helped me without hesitation, some with significant sacrifice, and never without question. They all did this because they believed the end result would be a positive one, and they were truly helping a friend. This is true, and I have taken off on my own. I am now rebuilding my foundation from the last cycle and rebuilding my self sufficiency.
Now that I'm on that path, I'm receiving a floodgate of back flow, friends that now require my help in return. This could be repayment of debt, or a simple emotional distress they are experiencing that I am experienced in and am the most knowledgeable to help with. Do I owe each on of these friends my loyalty and friendship? Absolutely. The problem I'm facing is that while I was one friend receiving support from many at one time to survive, now the tables have turned. I am one friend that many need help from all at once.
My resources, whether it be emotionally, physically, fiscally, or any other way are limited as I am one person. All of those resources, however, are being stretched to overload because of the sudden reverse of friends in need. Do I owe each of these friends my life? Absolutely. Am I capable of helping everybody all at once? Impossible.
Now I play the villain, as everybody has given unconditionally to me yet I am forced to prioritize my resources to be able to return my friendship, loyalty, and resources effectively. I must admit, I probably deserve this, as I allowed myself to accept help from so many people at once for different aspects to sustain me. I needed it to survive, but it's my fault for needing the help in the first place.
I risk offending people, even losing friendships, as everybody wants me to be able to immediately return what was given because I am now finally in an initial position of self sufficiency again. I have to balance rebuilding myself financially, emotionally, and socially. Additionally, I have to devote time to those I love who NEED my help, or that I have a debt to in any other regard.
Rebuilding myself is a slow process. My available free time is set, with extreme new responsibility in my new job. My available financial capacity to repay debts is slow coming, as my first paycheck from new job is just barely arriving and the debts I've accrued need to be balanced with my current cost of living so I don't repeat the same god damned cycle.
I can't please everybody all at once. The problem is, everybody who has helped in, no matter the method, deserves the same amount of friendship back.
How do you find balance in a situation like this? It's horrible that I have to prioritize, and I wish I were more of a man than I am. But I am also a realist, and I am working smarter these days in addition to harder. If I don't play my cards right, I'll collapse in on myself.
There is no simple solution, no way to fix everything all at once. There is, however, a lesson learned. NEVER repeat my detrimental cycle again, so I will never again be faced with this responsibility. Gratitude and loyalty are ever present, but I'm simply unable to properly show it with actions necessary to all who need it.
I am stretched so thin, and it's my own fault...
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