Originally posted on Monday, March 30, 2009
I posted a statement of absolute truth tonight. Every day burns that painful truth further into my life. "Love, like freedom, is a state of mind. It does not exist, and it never will."
All of my life, since I can remember being attracted to anybody at all, I have always had this inexplicable yet undeniable fear that I will die without ever falling in love. When I was in high school, that was easily dismissible as "just being lonely". After high school, it was just because I lived in the small town of Logan. When I moved to Salt Lake City at 18, it was just because I was "young and having fun". I didn't need to date or settle down then, or so I told myself to make myself feel better.
Every birthday since then has been a reminder, cutting deeper every year. A reminder that this fear is becoming truth. I am now 27 years old. I don't live in fear, I try whenever an opportunity presents itself to be "a normal guy into guys". I'll make a move, ask a guy out on a date, do the common "date" approach that is such a normal thing for most people. The disheartening truth is, nobody has ever really made a move on me. I have to show the interest, and it always turns into "you're nice" and "I'd love to be your friend, because you're such a great person". Never once have I been good enough for somebody to see past the cover of a very unique book.
OK, I get it. I'm not the model gay man. I don't have a six pack, I don't have the perfect cut and dye hair job, i'm not rich, I don't drive a fancy car, I have a very strong personality, I'm not some butch jock. One of the most amazing quotes I have ever heard that rings true to me every day: "Gay men are a bunch of 10's looking for an 11. On a good day, I'm a 6".
I try to blame myself sometimes, convincing myself that it's my fault because of my taste in men. Somehow, most of the men I look at and am initially attracted to usually end up being straight. I bit of hypocricy I know, since I am not the most butch model to come out of the factory, but I just don't end up attracted to alot of really gay men. Not to sound like a biggot, but to me there is a big difference between a gay man and a faggot. I'll explain in detail some other time in another blog when I'm not halfway into a bottle of gin. Needless to say, there are about 90 faggots to every 10 gay men.
Next comes the attempt to blame location, thinking that maybe it's just the gay community in Utah, and that I need to leave to find happiness. WOW - can we say classic attempt to run away from your problems?
The truth now, more than ever, is that it's just me, wherever I go. I have never quite understood what is wrong with me, what makes me so untouchable. Perhaps some people just aren't meant to fall in love in life, that we have a different purpose. I don't know what to think any more. What I do know is the pain that can come from a heart having never been touched is undescribable, unimaginable, and I could never wish it upon anybody.
Another quote, something I believe in with every fiber of my being: "I would rather bleed from cuts of love than live without any scars". Absolute truth. I don't EVER want another person to tell me that I am better off not dealing with a relationship because they're such hard work. Anybody who thinks an intimate relationship is easy and just falls in your lap should euthanize yourself right now, because you don't deserve it.
What hurts the most are those chance encounters. Situations that might have been, that should have been, where I was SO close to a connection. Only to realize that I waited to long to make my feelings known, and now he's moving to california - or only to realize that the interest in me was only reciprocated temporarily in an effort not to hurt my feelings. I think they call this "letting you down easy", when it's really a coward's way of postponing being direct about your feelings, or lack thereof.
One thing is clear. I give up. I accept failure. I am alone, I always have been, and I always will be. The closest thing that I have had and ever will have to love is those idle slutty encounters where I hook up with somebody at a bar and hope to god you still look that good in the morning, if you are even still there. I guess I have no choice but to accept lust over love, since it's all I can get. Such a shame, if anybody ever took the time to get to know me, my heart, and the love I have - they would see so much. Both in me, and in themselves through my eyes.
Cheers to the Broken Hearts Club.
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