To actually understand what it is to take something for granted...

Originally published Monday, June 14, 2010

You hear the warnings all the time. "Don't take this for granted" they'll say to you. You'll nod in agreement and believe wholeheartedly within yourself that you are accepting and taking to heart good advice from a good friend. What you can't realize until it's too late, is that you can't heed that advice or even understand it's concept because you are already taking what you have for granted.

This is true for myself as well, in regards to Salt Lake City and my life within it. Even now there is a great ambivalence that tears my heart in two. I was so excited to get out of Salt Lake City, to experience ANYthing else. I was so heartbroken and had just given up on the gay community in Utah. Convinced that I could not fall in love if I stayed in SLC, I took the first opportunity to escape and continue my medic education elsewhere. I was overjoyed to start the transition to a life outside of Utah. However, the transition period (15 months) before reaching Denver, my final destination, has become my own personalized form of torture.

You can never really appreciate what you have until it's gone. This has always been truth, yet sadly I'm just realizing the wisdom within this truth. Without a second thought, I packed up and left Salt Lake City. In coming back this last two weeks, I was greeted with warmth, love, and genuine happiness that I had returned. I've never felt more loved in all my life. I realize now more than ever the totality of how amazing my friendships are in Salt Lake City. But do I give up and retreat to familiar territory and risk never being able to experience life outside of my safety bubble? I STILL feel that if I were to return to Salt Lake City - I'll remain alone and lonely as far as any love life is concerned. Sure, I'll be on top of the word in every other aspect but my clock is ticking and time is running out. It's time for me to settle down and fall in love. If my biggest fear comes true, and I do indeed die without ever falling in love, then I will have lived a life that is only half of what it could and should have been. Do I need another person to complete me? Absolutely not. I need to share who and what I am with another person, completely and wholeheartedly. I need them to share that which is everything they are with me. A true companion in life.

But what to do?

I would like to say thank you, and I love you to all of my friends in SLC. I had one of the most amazing and eye opening experiences over the last couple of weeks, and I have learned something from all of you. And, needless to say, I had a blast with all of you. Such an amazing week for me!

Now I'm left with a fork in the road. Do I ride this out and try to get to Denver as quickly as possible? Or do I return to SLC, where my friends, my business opportunities, and where my foundation is?

I've never been so conflicted in my life...