Just like the cycle of sunrise and sunset, I've noticed that my life has a tendency to repeat patterns. There's more than one pattern in my life, not all are bad either. However the main pattern in which I speak is the one effecting me more intensely than the prior rotation. Unfortunately, every time the pattern repeats itself, that statement remains true.
The pattern of which I speak is that of moving into a position of stability & self sufficiency. I remain there for a while. I develop some, make progress here and there, and learn some things during that time as well. The problem is that, in looking back, I'll suddenly find the situation stagnant, boring, or otherwise unsatisfactory. It's never really a conscious decision, but more subconscious that builds over time until I just keep thinking "Fuck it." in my mind and the smallest issue can cause me to abandon ship. Whether that be letting my performance go at a job, or spending too much time at the bars drinking and being the social party butterfly. This ultimately effects my performance at work, my overall energy to stay on top of the usual errands and chores such as paying bills on time, grocery shopping, etc. This eventually leads to the peak of the pattern, and I am no longer self sufficient. Usually unemployed, and switching from stable and self sufficient to survival mode. Had I not the most amazing friends to ever walk this earth, I would have lost the ability to keep my head above water long ago. Unfortunately, this continuation of the pattern bringing me to square one time and again has left me with little more than a bedroom, some clothes, etc. In other words, moving is very easy as I only own items that go in the bedroom. Bed, desk, clothes, nightstand, TV, etc. I have no savings account, and so every time I get back on my own two feet, I must live paycheck to paycheck because I'm using my money not only to live on in the moment, but also to pay for mistakes in the past and get "caught up".
However, there is a silver lining to the darkly clouded pattern. Every time the cycle repeats, I learn more than I did the last time. I retain more knowledge and experience than I did the last time. I get myself a little further along in the pattern, and stay self sufficient longer than the prior pattern. This last cycle has been especially amazing. I completed certification as an EMT-Intermediate (one level below Paramedic), achieved EMS Instructor certification, and joined the ranks of the Utah Emergency Medical Reserve Corps. I maintained a job at an ambulance agency that was perfect for the initial development of my career. Covering 900 square miles, I was exposed to an amazing range of calls from a vast array of medical calls, full cardiac arrests, rollovers galore, trauma 1, and even special event standby for races in the desert as well on the salt flats. Achieving the educational levels that I have, it has opened a VAST array of doors for me, all going in so many directions. Anything I want to do is within my grasp now.
Along with my professional development, I've done incredible amounts of soul searching. I've discovered more about myself in the past year than I can believe. I identified some emotional problems, and have taken steps to fix them. I am more happy and comfortable with myself than I have EVER been. It's an incredible thing the be handed a challenging situation in life and finally have the frame of mind to see this hurdle as a challenge to rise to and conquer. Before I would dwell on my failures and would find a way to attempt to avoid my problems, as if that could ever be successful. I used to have to deal with consistent feelings of loneliness and emptiness because I've never been in a relationship. If you read back in my prior posts that I transferred from Facebook, you'll understand. Now I'm happy being single, and developing ME into a constantly better person. When it's time for me to share who I am with somebody, and have them share themselves with me, it will find me. It will be right. I can't just search because I want.
This current peak of the pattern where everything falls apart, as previously stated, has been the worst one yet. I'm still trying to survive, but have worked hard to get things together. After MUCH challenge to me both mentally and physically, things are finally starting to fall into place! It's as if the puzzle pieces just started to fall into place on their own once I provided all the right elements. New job that pays quite well, new house downtown where I belong, new college opportunities so I can further my medical career.
Here is the challenge. At some point in life, this pattern can't be allowed to continue to repeat or it will destroy me. I now realize that I have to work harder than ever to maintain the MANY opportunities and blessings that have been sent my way. My goal is to NEVER let this pattern repeat. 2011 is almost to a close, and 2012 brings a new beacon of hope and opportunity. As my good friend Chris has labeled it, 2012 is the year of DO. He is exactly right.
I must give special thanks to those of you who have been the glue keeping me together over the last two months. Had I not friends of your caliber, I would have long ago failed.
As most of my friends know, music means a great deal to me. I tend to have a different playlist handy for just about any mood or necessity, including several playlists that help in the soul searching process. I like to think of my music collection as the soundtrack to my life. To that effect, if a particular song I'm listening to while I write has been a part of my soul searching, I will share it with you. Below is the first of many to come. Enjoy it, and make 2012 your year of success, your year of growth, your year of DO!
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