* Please see notes at end of letter for reference info *
Today I dissected the true meaning of the words "life" and "death" as I watched the two extremes crash and tumble into each other like two gray clouds right before a rain storm. They both drenched and almost drowned me with profound emotions. EXCITEMENT: "I can do this. I can save her!" FEAR: "But what if I can't?" HOPE: "She's strong - she'll pull through!" DESPAIR: "Come on, don't give up." HELPLESSNESS: "She's a DNR. Just keep her comfortable." "But how can I just sit back and watch?" SADNESS: "Look at her. She's gasping for air. She knows she's dying, she said it. 'It's okay, Marie, we are here with you.'" ANGER: "Why couldn't I save her? It's almost unbearable."
It all happened so quickly. "Life" at 1:15. "Death" at 2:33. Quite honestly, I had believed I could work on a million arrests and feel okay if I didn't save a life, but nothing compares to what I watched today. "Life" slipped right through my fingertips, right before my eyes - ever so slowly - and I could do nothing about it. Those were her wishes, and I have to respect that. The irony is that those would be my wishes as well.
Today I realize something I probably already knew, but couldn't quite believe. . .and that is, I really, really love my job. I cried today, for a lot of reasons. I learned that although I came into this profession to save lives, I cannot save them all. I learned to put my beliefs aside and not pass judgement. Ethics, how relevant is that? Extremely! I learned how to appreciate "life". It's borrowed; it isn't ours to keep. And I learned to respect "death." It comes upon you, ready or not. It isn't your call to make.
Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my personal and professional life. I may never be able to fully dissect the true meanings of "life" and "death," but I want to learn from today's experiences and every new one to come. I am grateful for this experience, as bittersweet as it may be. For now I tell myself, "So, go on. There are more lives to save. . .or not."
** This is a submission to the Journal Of Emergency Nursing from Emergency Nurse Vaneeza Gonzalez, RN, in Reading PA. This letter struck a chord with me, and has touched close with several of my experiences. I am sharing it with all of you for the very same reason. Those of you who are tagged in this article are EMS, Fire, Police & other public safety colleagues I've had the privilege to know and work with.**
Today I dissected the true meaning of the words "life" and "death" as I watched the two extremes crash and tumble into each other like two gray clouds right before a rain storm. They both drenched and almost drowned me with profound emotions. EXCITEMENT: "I can do this. I can save her!" FEAR: "But what if I can't?" HOPE: "She's strong - she'll pull through!" DESPAIR: "Come on, don't give up." HELPLESSNESS: "She's a DNR. Just keep her comfortable." "But how can I just sit back and watch?" SADNESS: "Look at her. She's gasping for air. She knows she's dying, she said it. 'It's okay, Marie, we are here with you.'" ANGER: "Why couldn't I save her? It's almost unbearable."
It all happened so quickly. "Life" at 1:15. "Death" at 2:33. Quite honestly, I had believed I could work on a million arrests and feel okay if I didn't save a life, but nothing compares to what I watched today. "Life" slipped right through my fingertips, right before my eyes - ever so slowly - and I could do nothing about it. Those were her wishes, and I have to respect that. The irony is that those would be my wishes as well.
Today I realize something I probably already knew, but couldn't quite believe. . .and that is, I really, really love my job. I cried today, for a lot of reasons. I learned that although I came into this profession to save lives, I cannot save them all. I learned to put my beliefs aside and not pass judgement. Ethics, how relevant is that? Extremely! I learned how to appreciate "life". It's borrowed; it isn't ours to keep. And I learned to respect "death." It comes upon you, ready or not. It isn't your call to make.
Tomorrow starts a new chapter in my personal and professional life. I may never be able to fully dissect the true meanings of "life" and "death," but I want to learn from today's experiences and every new one to come. I am grateful for this experience, as bittersweet as it may be. For now I tell myself, "So, go on. There are more lives to save. . .or not."
** This is a submission to the Journal Of Emergency Nursing from Emergency Nurse Vaneeza Gonzalez, RN, in Reading PA. This letter struck a chord with me, and has touched close with several of my experiences. I am sharing it with all of you for the very same reason. Those of you who are tagged in this article are EMS, Fire, Police & other public safety colleagues I've had the privilege to know and work with.**
No comments:
Post a Comment